alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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