How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
