I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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