Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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