he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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