dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
