i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
