just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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