dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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