Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
