Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
