I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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