I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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