I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
