Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
