i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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