after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
