It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
