I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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