So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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