I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
