he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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