I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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