bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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