just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
