your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
