I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
