Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
