i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
