i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
