Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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