yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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