He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
