and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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