i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
