this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
