just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
