My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You have to summon your inner elephant
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
