next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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