when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
