Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
