I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
