look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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