nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
