It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
