my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
