dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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