No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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