I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
