What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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