He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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