it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
